The day!!

I remember that pain streaked day almost two years ago so well. I sat on a wooden bench in a hospital, staring vacantly at the bile green walls. For the first and last time in my life, my mind was vacant, no thoughts, no nothing ,just a vast emptiness. For how long I sat I don’t know…After days, agonizing days of CT scans, biopsies, visits to several doctors, I had reached here. My destination. The doctor had a kind face, I asked her tentatively, excepting an evasive reply, like the others’ What’s my prognosis?’ She was direct ‘Can you handle it “”.I nodded[thinking ‘anything is better than not knowing’.]. ‘After, or despite the treatment you have about two more years to live. ’.I thanked her, shook hands, and walked out of her clinic, I didn’t answer my family’s questions…they were filling forms ….I walked in a daze. And sat on a bench ,in a void...

I couldn’t sit here anymore, it was getting claustrophobic. I walked out of the hospital ,leaned against the wall outside. I lit a cigarette and smiled. We all know we are dying one day, but to be told ‘two years more’ was surreal. I decided in a flash what would be my decision. And I told my family and friends. They heard me in horrified silence. ‘No expensive treatment’ They argued, cried, begged, cajoled ,to no avail, my mind was made up. I also decided to rid myself of the other cancers in my life….if I had to fight a battle, I would do it without any excess baggage.

So ,I left the house I lived in for 25 years, and a ‘marriage’ of over 30 years…a marriage that was but a travesty, the soul and heart long gone ,if ever there. I had been dutiful for long, but no more. I left familiarity, and embraced a new world, life, another home. I would fight my battle with my enemies in my body, with as much zeal and courage ,as my ancestress Rani Laxmibai had fought the angrez armies. I did, I am alive today. And writing…maybe one day I will write about my battle, not for survival, but for life.